L is for Losing -- Day 12 of the "A to Z Blogging Challenge"

My topic for today is losing. No, not losing weight, possessions, confidence, and control over your life. At some point in my life I've lost all of those and more. The following story is true, althhough the names are fictitious.
　
One of the most painful losses is a friend. I just found out that the person I thought of as my oldest and dearest friend betrayed my son who previously thought of her as a beloved aunt. I don't normally like to air my family's dirty laundry in public, but this time I think I'll make an exception. I cannot reconcile myself to this betrayal because of the hurt it caused to many people. I refuse to hate her, though.
First let me say that I wondered why Dee had suddenly stopped taking my calls and/or returning my emails, and now I know. I hope she feels guilty about her betrayal of at least two people who would have done anything in the world for her. The betrayal was in the form of a denial about an incident that happened many years ago. The worst of it is that it destroyed my son's marriage and tore his three small children away from him.
Many, many years ago, my (ex) husband and I were living with our friends, Dee and Rob. Our son was about 8 and their older daughter, Jenny, was around 13. We adults were watching the movie "Private Lessons" on TV and the kids were supposed to be asleep. Our friends fell asleep and Jenny brazenly came into the living room and sat down to watch the rest of the movie. We asked her to leave the room, but did not feel comfortable trying to enforce it while her parents were in the room, even though they were sleeping through the whole scene. Part of the reason we were reluctant was because of her tendency to blow everything out of proportion if we tried to tell her what to do. We turned off the TV and went to our room, but she turned the TV back on. We tried to wake her parents but they were both out like lights.
As the movie was ending, Dee woke up and became angry at us for allowing her to watch the movie. When we finally convinced Dee that we tried to stop Jenny from watching the show, she turned her wrath on the child. She said many cruel and unnecessary things to her daughter and ended it by saying, "I suppose now you think you will try to teach (our son) about sex the same way she did a young boy."
One day during the next week or so, my husband and Rob were both at work and Dee was sleeping because she had worked overnight. I looked around to do my usual head count and realize that my son and Jenny were missing, so I went looking for them. I won't go into details of the "compromising position" in which I found them. I shrieked their names when I saw them and they dove under the bed. I dragged them out into the living room, lecturing them for all I was worth. That afternoon I told Dee and that evening we told our husbands. Dee and Rob insisted that it was our son's fault because he was male. My husband, whose temper was monumental, wanted to "spank" (for most people it would be called a beating) our son, but I wouldn't let him because I felt the whole situation was orchestrated by Jenny (by her own admission) and indirectly Dee's fault due to her handling of the movie situation.
Back then I guess I thought of that type of thing as falling into the "kids will be kids" category. I probably also thought that any authoities would side with Dee and Rob because it was their house, although in my opinion he was the victim. I also dreaded any contact with Child Protective Services in our town because I knew too much about them and their tactics, but that's another story. I feel badly now that I allowed it to be swept under the rug, but I honestly thought I handled it in the best manner possible.
Fast forward nearly 30 years. My son and his wife were living near Dee and Rob. My son had explained to his wife about the incident, but told her he didn't really blame anyone. Unfortunately, when my daughter-in-law mentioned it, Dee denied that it happened and started making accusations against my son. The next thing we knew, Child Protective Services was in the picture saying that they had a report that my was doing all manner of things to his children. He was able to give enough proof to show that he had done nothing wrong, but the damage was done. Within weeks my daughter-in-law went on a "vacation" with the kids to visit her parents, over 1000 miles away, and never came back. The state she is in awarded her child support based on their "average income" rather than the average income where my son lives, or the income he actually has. Because of the unfounded accusations she made in court during the custody hearing, the same allegations he had already proven to be untrue in another state, he only gets supervised visitation, which is irrelevant because the amount of child support being taken out of his checks leaves him with barely enough money to live on and travel is impossible because of finances. Not only that, but his ex-wife's mother is allowed to "supervise" any telephone contact he makes with them, which means she refuses to answer his calls.

C is for Coparenting -- Day 3 of the "A to Z Blogging Challenge"

I can't count the number of kids I know whose separated or divorced parents use them as pawns to hurt each other. This is worse than the divorce itself on many kids because they are put in a position of acting as the go-between or feeling as if, by loving one parent, they are being disloyal to the other. There is another way, though. It is called coparenting.
I first learned about coparenting from the best mother I know, my daughter. She has two daughters and one son by two different ex-husbands and somehow works with most of the other parties involved to create a loving, secure family for not only her own three children but their assorted half and step siblings. Not only that, her best friend and her two children have been integrated as part of this extended, or chosen, family. This makes nine children who, between them have four "moms" and two "dads" to turn to. While the fathers don't socialize much with each other, the mothers have all become good friends and frequently "hang out" with each other.
　
The players in this little drama are:

  The Adults:

    A = My daughter
    B = My daughter's ex-husband number 1, the father of her two daughters -- out of the picture
    C = My daughter's ex-husband number 2, the father of her son (his second).
    D = My daughter's ex-husband number 2's first wife, mother of his first son
    E = My daughter's ex-husband number 2's first wife's current husband, father of their daughter
    F = My daughter's ex-husband number 2's current wife. Mother to his two step children.
    G = My daughter's best friend, mother to the two "extras" in the mix.
　
  The Children:

    1 = A&B's daughter (17).
    2 = A&B's daughter (15).
    3 = A&C's son (14).
    4 = C&D's son (15), half brother of 3 and stepbrother of 1 and 2.
    5 = D&E's daughter (8), half sister of 4.
    6 = F's Daughter (10), C's stepdaughter. Stepsister to 3.
    7 = F's Son (6), C's stepson. Stepbrother to 3.
    8 = G's daughter (11) -- chosen family.
    9 = G's son (9)-- chosen family.

Naturally, there are conflicts at times between parenting styles but with a little bit of communication they are ironed out. At any given point any of these nine children can call on any of the six adults for help, advice, sympathy, etc . . . . They know that what they say will be held in confidence unless it is not in their best interest to do so. These kids are also allowed to stay at any of the parents' homes as long as the primary parent okays it. It is not uncommon for all 9 of them to spend a weekend together with one or more of the parents. This way all the adults get the occasional break.

I know it all seems complicated, but the best thing about it is that all the children involved feel accepted and loved no matter what they do or which home they are in. I know that coparenting won't work for everyone, and and is rarely carried to the extreme extended family situation my daughter and her children enjoy, but I honestly think that all divorced parents, should work together more.

The most useful sites I have found that explain coparenting are listed below. They give resources and information and there is even a site where you can sign up for an online coparenting class.

    http://www.coparenting.com/

    http://www.coparenting101.org/
   
    http://www.wikihow.com/Co-Parent-with-an-Uncooperative-Ex-Spouse

There are many other good sources on coparenting online.  All you have to do is look.
http://www.collaborativecoparenting.com